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2:5X:XX

some raw thoughts after achieving a goal

These are some raw thoughts I had after running the Indianapolis Marathon on November 9th, 2024. Because they are raw thoughts, there is some raw emotion. Nothing here is edited, only consolidated.

I share here because I’m currently going through a bit of a slump and came back to these thoughts today as a way to remind myself of the joys in life; maybe it’ll remind someone else, too.

Note: This post starts at the end, but the beginning is included after for reference…

  • mile 24-26 & the finish: the below are just raw thoughts i wrote throughout the day saturday/sunday, in no particular chronological order:

Smiling throughout. Always remember to smile.

Realizing this was gonna happen at mile 23.

Thinking this is what I train for. This moment, where I’m doing new things, feeling pain, but enduring. That’s fun.  Enduring the unknown and the risk because of the journey. Man did that feel so damn good. Couldn’t stop smiling. Smiling and acheing in pain.

Losing Neil. Waving for him to catch up.

Telling Emily and gang they got this as i passed.

Cheering people on.

Smiling. Speeding up after 25.

“I think we got it”, said the guy who also just wanted to get under 3hrs at mile 5 — well hell yeah, now let’s go get it! Let’s speed up BECAUSE we DO got it.

Yelling let’s go and “it feels so damn good” with the guy in green, as he battled his cramps and we raced around the corner (haha he wanted to race? ill race ya!). High fiving dad. Flashback to the sub-5 min mile at HCHS. He’s always there. Thanks dad. Love you.

And then seeing that finish line. Seeing the 2:57 and just wow. I couldn’t have been more happy to see that. Final speed up and high five Katie. Smile. Arms up. Finish. Cry because that was much damn fun. Hug Katie and mom. Thank you for coming. That is fun. “that was so much fun”. New things are fun. Life is fun. Having people to do it with is the best. You support me, I’ll support you.

Finding race friends. Saying thanks to Neil, congrats to Emily. See you at the track floberg. Pain sets in more. But it feels so damn good. Hands in face, yes. Yes. Yes.

Do I wish I could just go back to those last 20 minutes. It was the best. What a feeling.

I will remember that feeling.

A smile.

A weighted smile.

Pain cave smile.

The chin tight.

Jaw tense.

Sometimes wondering if the curves on my cheeks are enough that on the outside it looks I’m smiling or if I look like I’m in terrible pain. Well i guess it’s both. But it’s more the smile. The smile is what kept me going. It literally gave me energy and made me forgot what mile I was at or what the time was. Forget the fire in my quads or the hamstring feeling like it might tense up at any second. Every step was a balancing act in that if I moved w little too far a step to the side, out of this robotic stride, I may trip and fall over. But you just keep the rhythm. I’ve felt this way before and repeat this idea: once you feel pain, it plateaus. And it’s just pain. All the same. Granted it’s only 26.2 miles, but the pain is pain and it won’t stop ya. So leave it there, and forget that it’s a thing, because it’s old news now.

There was miles 22-25 where I was over joyed. And repeating that this was what I trained for. This pain and this unknown and this struggle. The prize, of all that training, were these last couple miles. the last couple miles were i knew i could do it, where it hurt, but it hurt and i knew i could do it. And to just relish in that. Because that’s a damn cool thing, new things. Seeing things through. Being there in that moment. It was maybe the most pure joy and happiness I’ve felt in a long long time. And then a mile left, I picked it up. Why not? Why not let it fly? fly because you can. fly because it’s fun. Run as fast as you can because you can. Run because I’m here and run because I can and run fast because that what I came here to do. So I’m going to run fast through the end. And love the thrill. High five from dad, with a simple comment, “finish it” - okay, I’ll do just that. And that’s what I did. And maybe that’s what really matters, finishing. Because there’s a lot of things you can’t finish in life for whatever reason, so finish things when you can, finish them with joy and a drive for exploring new things because you can.

Thats why I sped up at the end - it felt sooo good. Last mile was fastest mile actually.

Oh and also it felt so good to turn the corner and see the finish line with a 2:5X:XX in front of it. You know how many times I visualized that over the last two years? To first glimpse the finish line in your sights with a 2 in front of it. Oh my god. Yes. Yes. Yes!!

And then I cross the line and walked over to the side, exhaustion setting in, realizing how tired I was, and that also I had done it - literally what they mean by a wave of emotions. And I cried. The waves came right out and down my cheeks. It was so awesome. It was so fun. And I cried because it was so fun too. Like that was just so awesome of a journey. Wow I really did cry because of the journey. How amazing that journey was. Oh it was so fun, all of it was so fun. I wished in that moment too I could do it all again. Experience that thrill again. And guess what, I can. I can do it all again. That’s what it feels like to be alive. To have such a thrill move you to tears. And to want to do it again. Despite it being hard. I loved that feeling. I thought to myself I’d do it again and it was so worth it. I miss it already. How can I feel that again? What if I could feel that everyday? Speeding up even when it’s so painful because you love it so much? It was so worth it.

this is also one of the first times in a while where i achieved a goal and didn’t immediately feel the urge to “do the next thing”. like it felt that damn good. and i want to feel that for a bit.

reading that again made me realize just how much I really did visualize the moment of seeing the finish line with a “2:5..” in front of it. I thought about that every workout.

The rest of the race report, starting from the beginning…

RACE REPORT

Week of

  • austin trip recovery: coming off drinking for the first time in probably 2+ months. stayed sober saturday night so i could have a full 7 days before race (little did i know chatGPT would provide some great confirmation bias that this was the correct play)
  • after realizing monday that my HR was jacked on what should’ve been a super easy run, i did some research on alcohol’s effect on running - for my particular situtation. results were positive: everything should be out of the system by saturday (and i saw progress in efficiency ratio throughout the week that +1 confidence)
    • had fleeting thoughts about “what if this is the reason i don’t get the time”, but quickly dismissed them because 2 data point on a 1.5+ yr trendline won’t make me, or break me.
  • reread the parts of “what i talk about when i talk about running” where he described why he ran the ultramarathon (to explore new areas of life, do things that you wouldn’t normally do, with the idea that doing these things will teach you new things about life and yourself, adding new colors to life) and his mental thoughts while doing it (being a piece of machinary, detaching himself the pain, experiencing “going through” whatever mental/physical veil he had been operating under). thought the part about being a machine was cool as i had used similar “machine mantra” in the past (I am a machine, i am a well oiled machine, i am a lambo, etc).
  • nursing the hamstring: doing static exercises, banded work, rolling out, sauna, stretching.
  • eating fairly light, never really ate to the point that i felt ‘really full’. wasn’t overemphasizing carbs either, just pretty balanced.
  • got 2x good lifts in too

Day before

  • shakeout: ran what felt like the easiest 7:30 mile ever, couldve swore i was 8min+ pace bc it was that effortless. confidence +1.
  • dinner 3 hours before bed: a light chicken bowl. asked for an extra side of white rice, it hit. perfect meal.
  • slept pretty well, lights off 8.25hrs before wake up
  • just felt super juiced to run. excited. ready. etc.
  • as i had been feeling with training, felt confident. and the day before even felt confident enough to say “ive got good vibes for tomorrow” out loud. just felt like it was going to happen.

Morning of

  • woke up feeling amped, jacked.
  • stomach felt good n light. no grogginess. this is similar to last year/any race, just waking up pretty alert and ready to go.
  • felt like everything went to plan this morning (see plan below) even got a good #2 out right after coffee. the only thing that wasnt to plan was i accidentally dropped my water-based overnight oats in the bathroom sink, so i had to scoop those out before drizzling them with honey and eating them with my hands lol.

Race Day Fueling Plan

  • 5:40: wakeup, hydrate, eat carb rich (oatmeal) to top off stores
    • 150-200 cals oats
    • 100-150 cals honey
    • bpn electrolyte powder
  • 5:50-6:00: cold shower to spike adrenaline
  • 6:00-6:25:
    • 10 min shake out jog
    • light movement/stretches
  • 6:30: dbl espresso at place in lobby
  • 7:30: head down to race
    • final active warm up, sprints)
  • 7:50: headed to start corral

— gels hr:min

  • 15 before: gel w/ caffeine (100mgs)
  • 25: gel
  • 50: gel w/ caffeine (75mgs)
  • 1:15: gel
  • 1:40: gel
  • 2:05: gel w/ caffeine (75mgs)
  • 2:30 gel
  • 2:50 gel

RACE

  • Start
    • starting out in the elite corral: mistaked the elite corral (first corral) for the A corral. quickly realized this when my first mile was 6:38 and no one was slowing down, in fact, everyone was passing me. and then also realizing i couldnt see the 3:00hr pacers behind me. oops.
    • original plan was to start at 7min pace (similar to last year), and then cut down a bit and find the 3hr pace group and settle in. it became apparent quickly this was not happening.
  • miles 0-4
    • so free. the most free miles ive ever ran in my life. i literally thought i was coming on the 3rd mile when i saw the 4th mile marker. my pace was quick, well under the original plan i had intended, but it felt so effortless i didnt really think too much of it.
    • luckily i saw a guy eating his gel right at min 25 as he passed me (i passed him at the end) that it reminded me to eat my first gel right on time. i thanked him for the reminder, he said he was paying it forward for someone else had just reminded him. he said fuel early fuel often, i said i learned my lesson last year.
    • saw my mom/kt, widened my eyes like i guess wer’re going fast today.
    • throughout these first 4 miles, i was just constantly being passed. i was happy that i slowed myself down to 6:54 for the 2nd mile, but the third mile was 6:35 and i almost felt harder to run slower at this point so i didnt fight it.
  • miles 4-6
    • doing my best to not get caught up in the constant waves of people passing me. 6:40. 6:43. 6:42. so not really working. but also got out of the 6:30s so that was good.
    • by now i already had almost a good minute in the bank.
  • miles 7-10
    • at mile 7 i dared to check my HR for the first time, apprehensive bc of the fast paces id been hitting and what felt like an insane amount of caffeine in my blood — saw it was 151, +1 confidence boost. that was real nice to see. i really wasnt even tired apparently. cool.
    • kept it rolling. by this time not as many people were passing me, so i was trying to find someone to run with.
    • emily and her gang came along, she was also just going for sub-3, and apparently so was this guy, and she said she wanted to rock 6:45s, i said perfect, but then the guy decided to speed up and she followed (?? so i was like what?! okay, do ur thing i guess — spoiler: i passed him both at the end)
    • at some point here, the 2:55 pace group passed me (or maybe it was after mile 10, not too sure). they picked me up for a bit, before i remembered this wasnt the goal, and 6:30s are too fast, and dropped behind them).
    • then along came this shorter fella, definelty older, maybe mid 40s or 50s. he had headphones in. good form. seemed to be rocking consistent pace. after a couple miles of running by eachother, i decided we had already both internally decided that we were running together, so i wanted to make it official, i turned and looked at him, we fist bumped, and officially agreed then to run together. no words were spoken. sealed with a head nod.
    • mile 10 i saw owen, heard him shouting before i saw him. he brought some energy, it was awesome pick up. i was still feeling so good at this point, said hey to his parents, got a lil side hug in as he ran beside me for a bit. he said it was time to get it done, i agreed.
  • miles 11-16
    • fairly uneventful. which is a good thing i guess. just continued knocking back some mid 6:45s with neil. good times. tried to shut the brain off here. but was still feeling relatively easy that i never really felt like i had to worry. knew the gang was coming up. thought some random thoughts. thought of popper. gels were going down well. only had one mini-throwup burp and saw a single water-based overnight oat come up. thought that was funny. enjoyed the few times that someone in the crowd was playing music.
    • knew that fatigue was slowly going to hit.
    • felt a warning of a side cramp coming on, did more double inhales and exahles, and it never came. a lot of times up until now, i did really slow exhales to calm myself down.
  • miles 17-21
    • knew it was time to lock in. there was an uphill that for the first time i felt fatigue in the legs. it was funny because this was when I became aware of the 26 miles, knew that i had a lot to go still, and should probably slow down to 6:55-7min pace to avoid the wall at 22 like last time, but saw the gang at 16.5 and got a big speed boost. was so awesome seeing them, they were hype, and i couldnt help but be hype too. really enjoyed seeing people this race compared to last year, energy was just different and felt less timid, and more able to enjoy it (last year i would have never left what i thought was the line of shortest distance to go say hey).
    • but i did lock-in and slow down a bit. had some 7min miles. knew i had a lot in the bank. and ofc did the math to figure out how much i could run each mile and still hit time. but didnt want to even try to do that.
    • now was when my hammy started feeling fragile. felt like if i overstepped, i would pull it. it was def fatigued. didnt worry about it too much, just used it as extra motivation to keep good form, keep stride short. it helped.
    • found my rythm. found my machine.
    • i am a machine. when i feel tired, i speed up. i am not tired. human body is so capable. i can do this this. (repeat)
    • the addition this year was the thought about speeding up when i get tired. james dyson talked about that. i think its great because its an actual action, not only does it mean you’re way less “tired” than your brain will make you think you are, but lean into it, lean into what feels like tiredness and use it as a motivator to go faster. to keep going.
    • there was plenty of small moments where i smiled. smiled to remind myself that i am doing the thing. and that that was a beautiful thing. always comforting to remember that. here i am, doing the thing.
    • lock in till 22 i told myself. and then you can start racing. just “float” for now.
  • Mile 21 & 22
    • was waiting for this moment for a long time: the slightly uphill stretch within this tree-filled park where my legs slowly refused to keep moving at goal pace last year. i had thought all this time it was at mile 22, but it was slightly before that - at about 21.5. this was “the revenge” i had been waiting for. there were two things i had visualized a lot over the last year: speeding through this stretch at mile 22 and the finish line. i got to do the “cmon!” yell i had been imagining, and i had done on my last LR, but now im doing it here.
    • it felt like i was running on ice here, half-expecting for something to just shutdown like last year. but it never came, in fact, it was a super uneventful mile. it was just another mile. i didnt feel any less tired by the end of it. thats when i knew it was going to happen.
  • mile 22/3-24
    • once i hit mile 23 marker, i knew it was going to happen. either i was too preoccupoied with just trying to “float” the lat 6 miles or paying attention to something that would signal the 22mile wall was hitting, cuz here i felt the “fire” in my legs with each step. and i loved it. and then i entered the most fun i have had in long long time: miles 24-26